A Dog's New Year Resolutions

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will not eat the cats' food, before, or after, they eat it.
7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
8. I will not throw up in the car.
9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
10. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose on her bottom end.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television.
17. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.
18. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
19. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. 

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. 

They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. 

The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...